RE: YOUR COSMIC ASSISTANCE MOST URGENTLY NEEDED.
Hello. I am Young Prince Yirjgun Betel from the Huxdurg-6 system and I wish to interstellar radio with astronomical objects in the Orion Arm in search of an honest and trustworthy life form to partner for most exciting business opportunity this galactic year. I decided to contact Earth because you are a very reputable planet that can assist in a confidential matter of immense benefit for us both.
I want you and I to make a fortune out of a situation that I am obviously left with no better option. The issue I am presenting is that my sun was recently destroyed in a supernova that obliterated most life on my planet, but please do not weep for me: I believe everything happens for a reason. Before my father the Emperor was reduced to cinders he told me of mineral reserves in our solar system he deposited amounting to fifty billion (50.000.000.000) barrels of oil and one hundred thousand (100.000) tons of gold.
I don't belong to such school of thought that this fortune be given to the government because this is cheating and is possible that top government officials could divert my father's deposits for their own selfish interest. Also, most of my planet's government officials were turned to ash when the sun exploded. Moreover, I would make Earth the beneficiary of my father's fortune, to split with me. But with so much space to search myself, I hereby ask your cooperation for recovering these deposits. I require your sun.
I have decided to seek external assistance because, at this point, I remind you that a foreign sun is necessary because my sun was destroyed and for that reason a local sun is not available. My father did not leave a will stating the location of mineral deposits and I cannot search in darkness. After I have found deposits I will be in contact about best way to return your sun. For your most gracious help I can offer 40% of the total sum minerals as compensation.
Most respectfully, I require an agent to put the mineral deposits into circulation wisely and advise me on relocating to Earth, assuredly with your sun. I am hoping to use the money for investment purpose and to receive education so I honorably seek your collaboration about the best region to pursue:
1. Molecular Astrophysics
2. Quantum Mechanics
3. Planetary Subjugation
Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make anyone apprehensive and worried, I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the long, dark day to occur while I have your sun. I am Prince Betel, and I want to assure you that your true consent will not be misplaced. Please, I implore you, note this is a risk free transaction with immense benefit. If you are touched to work with me in sincerity, I nobly request the spectral classification, metallicity, and angular size of your sun. Please drop your sun in the nearest wormhole and await instructions.
Once I have Earth's sun, I will contact you with promptness on how best to return it and deposit the oil reserves and gold to your planet. Receipt of this information will constitute between us acceptance of this brief sun exchange endeavor. I will appreciate your urgent response in this regard, more so for keeping this matter in confidence.
Anticipating to hear from you soon,
Young Prince Yirjgun Betel
Quelle: Zachary Martin, http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2011/1/27martin.html
I know God would never give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.